So--the beach. Reading at the beach seemed like a better idea. But once I got to the Brighton Beach station, I was so confused by the pour of teenagers coming out the subway car, onto the platform, down the stairs, that I went up a side street, in the wrong direction, away from the ocean. Maybe the heat was doing something to my compass points. Or it was the roar of voices coming up from the sand, from two blocks away. When I turned myself around, and walked up on the boardwalk, I felt: no. I couldn't even put words to it. Not crowds, not heat. I don't think it was even the footballs flung, or the moving sandstorm the soccer players were kicking up on the beach. An animal sense, even though people were laughing, were having a good time, a great time. I heard a gunshot--or something that resembled a gunshot; heads turned toward the sound; maybe it was just a balloon popping--and I headed back to the brain-freeze of the subway car to read Lydia Davis.
Less than an hour later, someone shot eight shots into the crowd, at the very spot on the boardwalk where I'd parked myself on a bench. Who knew about turf wars, or gangs, or the long history of trouble in the neighborhood on Brooklyn-Queens day? I'm just trying to get my head around the fact that I might have talked myself into staying had I relied on reason alone, whereas the animal in me said go.
8 comments:
i thought of this kenneth patchen poem when i read your post.
The animal I wanted
Couldn't get into the world...
I can hear it crying
When I sit like this away from life.
when i read this poem long ago, i was startled by the aptness of it...i guess i still am.
What lines, Nancy. Thanks for passing this along.
Story a lot sadder since I wrote this post. From today's Daily News.
Reading this made me think of the fact that we don't listen to our instincts nearly enough, and sometimes it does, in fact, mean the difference between life and death.
So much sadder...16, at the beach, reveling in the freedom of being 16 and beautiful and on the verge of everything.
I'm so glad you listened to your instincts.
Thanks, Paulette. And thanks, Elizabeth.
Every time I've started a comment about instinct and reason, the tension between the two, I get stuck. And I can't tell you how many times I've tried since your words came in. Clearly a bigger subject for me than I can get my head around right now. At least in any concise way. Questions, questions...
There is the wisdom of the body that shouldn't be denied, as you so discovered, Paul. So glad you did.
There is documented evidence from researchers that our brain receives information about our environment, people, situations, way below the level of our direct consciousness. Not having a way to tell us with words, it uses emotion and body sensations to warn us ... or to lead us on, let's say, in the case of attraction. Okay, i know you're going to say " Who? Which researchers?" so I'll go find what I'm talking about and get back to you.
From Peter Levine "In an Unspoken Voice": Animals with developed orbitofrontal systems have evolved the capacity to switch between different emotional states. This ability (known as affect regulation) allows animals to vary their emotions to appropriately match environmental demands. In humans, this highly evolved adaptive function, according to (Allen)Shore and others, is the basis for the core sense of self. These same circuits in the orbitofrontal cortex receive inputs from the muscles, joints, and viscera. The sensations that form the inner landscape of the body are mapped in the orbitofrontal portions of the brain. Hence, as we are able to change our body sensations, we change the highest functions of our brains. Emotional regulation, our rudder through life, comes about through embodiment."
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